Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
