The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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