I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
