I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
