I heard we made out
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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