Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
