i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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