Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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