hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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