I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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