She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
