she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
