I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
