I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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