Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
