She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
