Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
