Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
