i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
