Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
