Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I've blown a few things in my day
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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