I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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