You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
