He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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