you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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