i love accidental penises.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
