Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Randomize
