i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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