dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
