They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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