Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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