i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
