Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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