Just fell off a train. Bad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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