I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
