last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
