Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
