My cat gives me a boner
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize