I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
