Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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