9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
