Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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