Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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