sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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