Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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