Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
