Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
