There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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