Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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