Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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