I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
