hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
