I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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