Do you still have your period?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
