I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
