Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
